Me: “Now type in your password again.”

Client: “I can’t. I don’t know what it is.”

Me: “It’s the one you just typed in.”

Client: “I know, but I already forgot it.”

Me: “Okay, let’s write it down on a piece of paper.”

Client: “I already did; it’s right here.”

Client: “We’re testing the site in Android, and it’s not rerendering when switching views from portrait to landscape.”

Me: “Wait, what? We have been designing in responsive from day one, and it’s rerendering on all our test devices here. We wouldn’t purposefully send out code that’s broken.”

Client: “It’s not working. You didn’t plan for this, and it’s a big mess as a result.”

Me: “What device are you on? Tell me what you’re seeing, and send me a screenshot. If there’s a problem, I need specifics so we can address it. We don’t want you unhappy.”

He hung up after a terse goodbye. After an hour with no information, I sent a panicked email reasserting my request. He replied, simply, “Don’t worry.”

It turns out that the screen position was locked, so the device wouldn’t reorient itself.

I’m a graphic designer. A bar wants me to design a mascot for them. They’ve got a fairly firm image: they want a cartoon dog holding a martini.

I design a few cartoon dogs for them and let them pick which breed is their favorite. For the next project, they want me to do some word art with the dog’s name, “Ruffi”.

Me: “Uh… like a roofie?”

Client: “Yeah! It’s a word that’s associated with alcohol, and it’s a noise that a dog makes! It’s a pun! It’ll be great!”

Me: “I think maybe people will find it insensitive. Maybe name the dog ‘Hair’ or ‘Bitty’, as in ‘hair of the dog that bit you’? Or you could call it a ‘Scotch terrier’? Or, well, anything but ‘Ruffi’.”

Client: “We’re not paying you for opinions on the dog’s name.”

Me: “All right.”

One year later, the guy asked for a refund because customers found the dog’s name creepy, and it was driving away business. I pointed out our earlier email chain. He did not get a refund.

He did, however, pay me to make word art for the dog’s new name.

Me: “If you aren’t able to refresh the page, can you try right-clicking on the image for me?”

Client: “I can’t right-click; I’m using a Mac.”

Me: “You can try pressing with two fingers at once.”

Client: “But I’m left-handed.”

Client: “I want you to change my Facebook profile to a page.”

Me: “Okay. I’ll need your email login and password.”

The client sends me login information, but when I try to log in, no account information is found under that email address. I try another email I know she uses. That email is linked to her account, but the password is incorrect.

Me: “That email and password didn’t work. Do you have the correct password?”

Client: “I don’t know my password. I’m always logged in, so I don’t remember it. Please change my password to the one I just sent you.”

Me: “I can’t change anything until I log in. You can change your password if you log out and try to recover a new one.”

Client: “But if I log out, I’ll never be able to log back in again because I don’t know my password. Can’t you just change it?”